COHERENCE AS A LIFESTYLE

Do you live your life for yourself or others?

Let's start by defining coherence, It is said that a person is coherent when his attitude is consistent with his mental posture, and when correspondence is observed between his way of thinking, feeling, and acting. In my practice, I often find that one of people's greatest difficulties is their lack of coherence. Most people are clear about what they want and what they don't want but they don't know how to achieve what they want or how to stop encountering what they don't want. The repetition of family patterns plays an important role in the dysfunctional relationships people establish, and once the person identifies those patterns, then comes the interesting thing; decision-making. Deciding if you want to continue repeating the pattern that makes you unhappy, and that the family system chose for you; or if you dare to live under a pattern or lifestyle that you consciously choose. This is where the dilemma appears, because most of the time, the person is faced with breaking family loyalties, making decisions that people in their family system will probably not like. In the family system, each person plays an important role and the others see that person associated with that role and accommodate their own lives counting on the fact that that person will not change. When the person changes, the system breaks down and in one way or another, the others are forced to leave their comfort zone. And this is usually annoying for others, especially when the others are not interested in changing. Most people do not like to leave their comfort zone because they fear the unknown, so, many times they prefer to stay in their small unhappy zone, which is the one they have known for a lifetime, and they do not dare to venture into a new path that can lead them to live a fuller and more joyful life.

The social psychology categorizes roles into work-related, social, and familial. Let's discuss the latter. There are assigned roles that each person is expected to fulfill according to the family they are born into, forming a set of roles they will inherit in the future without exercising their own will. Here lies the key to embarking on a process of change, that is, understanding that the role assigned within the family system may have been useful at some point for the system, but is no longer suitable for one's present life. For example, a child unconsciously assumes the role of caring for his mother when his father abandons them, and he becomes the "good child" who avoids causing problems or complaining, all to shield his mother from trouble. As this child grows into an adult, he continues repeating this dysfunctional pattern with his romantic partners, likely remaining emotionally trapped by his mother. This person may often attract demanding partners and may continue neglecting his own needs to make the other person happy. Such a person is not living coherently, and this lack of coherence may eventually manifest in physical or mental symptoms.

Now, if we bring the topic of coherence into daily life, I would like you to ask yourself these questions: Are my behaviors and decisions often a reflection of what I truly want? Do I say "yes" when I mean "yes"? Do I say "no" when I mean "no"? Am I living the life I want to live?

If your answer to these questions is "no," then I invite you to pause in your life and allow yourself to begin connecting with what your true self wants. Ultimately, living in coherence will ensure a fulfilling and healthy life. Also, remember that those who truly care about you will accept you as you decide to be, even if it involves unexpected changes for them because they will be happy to see you becoming a better version of yourself.

Lastly, it's important to understand that when we decide to live coherently, even if it means breaking family patterns, we are brave and we are paving the way for other members of the system to perhaps follow our example. The change brought about by one member of the system is not only beneficial for them; it is liberating for our ancestors and sets a new path for younger generations.